Finding My Footing: Reassessing and Rebuilding
Finding My Footing: Reassessing and Rebuilding
Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Another month has rolled by here in Belleville. Today, May 29th, 2025, finds me at the library and the reality is hitting hard. My pre-birthday goal of hitting that $10k mark feels like a distant dream, a cruel joke even. We're not just short; we're further behind than before.
It's a familiar crossroads, isn't it? The urge to just throw my hands up, admit defeat, and sink into the quicksand of despair is strong. But there's another path, the one I have to choose: reassessment. Taking stock, analyzing the situation, and pivoting my actions.
I can hold my head high about one thing: my writing and publishing. That consistency, that act of creation, is something I'm genuinely proud of. On the other hand, the Sarah situation… texting into the void, the lack of a hangout. Is this another towel I need to throw in?
Let's get down to brass tacks, G. Writing and publishing? Absolutely continuing. The AI podcast community idea? It's still simmering, that potential to build a space for shared learning and actionable insights. A place where we can dissect our learnings and, more importantly, map out the steps to integrate them into our lives.
The world is vast, overflowing with possibilities, with different versions of ourselves waiting to be unlocked. It's there for the taking, this life, if we can just grab the reins. And today, there was a small victory: progress on my passport. A huge thank you to Emrick for reappearing and calling the government to prove my identity. After months of bureaucratic hurdles and document chasing, this feels like a significant step towards freedom.
The wanderlust is real. The craving for new cultures, shared experiences, and connection with interesting people burns within me. I envision time spent in studios with fellow artists, building a home with someone, perhaps in Europe or Northern Africa – a place to truly call home. And through it all, the unwavering commitment to my health and well-being remains.
This isn't just about existing; it's about crafting a life that ignites passion, a life that pulls me out of bed each morning with anticipation. The uncertainty is a weight. The frustration with myself is palpable. But somewhere within this turmoil is a whisper of trust – trust that this isn't the right time yet, but that progress, however incremental, is being made. The path forward requires clear, defined goals and the courage to let go of the past, to forge a new way of being. It demands a radical acceptance, a love for every facet of this messy, beautiful life, and the understanding that this is a marathon, not a sprint. Persistence is the key.
Yes, I'm tired. Yes, the frustration simmers. But today, I took action. That passport is a tangible step towards escaping this current reality. The US ban until 2029. While it stings, especially regarding family visits, I know deep down that chapter was closing anyway. This is about embracing a new way of showing up, a new way of living.
Nick's question cut through the fog: "Are you depressed?" After a moment of honest self-reflection, the answer was no. Today is just a low day, a weird mood. A nap sounds incredibly appealing, a chance to reset. Maybe a few push-ups and a walk would do the trick too.
And then there's Sarah. The radio silence after my text… it's a frustrating puzzle. The way she can stir my emotions is baffling. It's hard to reconcile the effort I put in with this apparent lack of interest.
Even my hair feels extreme today. But in that wildness, there's a reminder: we can lean into the unconventional, create something new. The mundane tasks loom – dealing with my warranty shoes, finally calling the dentist. Procrastination's grip needs to be broken. It's time to face things head-on, to make a bet on myself and stick with it. We will figure this out.
History has shown me I'm resilient. I've landed on my feet before, and I will again. This predicament will be the catalyst for something new, something that pulls me forward. This requires leaning into self-love, embracing all aspects of who I am, and cultivating a fresh perspective on the world. Life is meant to be lived fully, with all its highs and lows. This is about feeling it all and actively creating the best possible existence.
Is the weather mirroring my mood? Perhaps. The lack of consistent sunshine has been noticeable. Here's hoping for a brighter week, especially with the possibility of camping. These simple joys are a reminder of what's possible. This is about being all in on myself, even amidst the discomfort of this current life I have created for myself. Though lately, I've been waking early and using those quiet moments to dream the life I'm striving for.
It's okay to write through the down days. It's okay to feel this. I won't let it consume me. I know my inner world can shift quickly. Maybe there's something in the air, or maybe this is just part of the journey around the sun, another year passing. Another year further from some goals, further from building a family in the traditional sense. Yet, this past year has been about building a different kind of stability. From the depths of depression in Playa del Carmen, the transient months on the streets of Atlanta and Miami after the Masters… this unconventional path I've carved. Sometimes, all I can do is shake my head. But I know, with absolute certainty, that when I finally reach those longed-for milestones, the gratitude will be immeasurable.
Connect... Gordon GordonBufton@Proton.me @GordonBufton33